


Scared, Potter?

by ZombieCerberus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, not my best work but im trying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 09:34:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10919133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieCerberus/pseuds/ZombieCerberus
Summary: Despite the odds stacked against him, Draco is just barely floating on the surface while surrounded by his problems. Yet, he's never felt better though, it doesn't seem like Potter is basking in the glory of defeating the dark lord. He couldn't possibly have it worse than him...right?





	1. The End of Everything (Prologue)

**Despite everything**

 

The tight wall of bodies did nothing to deter Draco from his goal. It couldn't be- he hoped it wouldn't be.

Then again Potter always had the habit of being the center of things.

 

**Despite all the pain-**

 

Finally- Draco broke through..

Only to see-

 

**I can't bring myself to regret these feelings. All I wish-**

 

A splash of that oh-so-familiar red that still haunted him against the (too filthy) ground.

Not far are a pair of discarded glasses(the ones _he_ refused to throw away), laying as pitifully as their owner.

 

**Was that I was good enough to be that leap of faith you were so frightened to take.**

 

Harry would have wished to die without a fuss, but even so Draco couldn't stop himself.

Couldn't stop himself from shoving aside the redhead that dare to block his view from his love.

Couldn't help himself kneeling next to the other's form while caressing his love's (too cold, to pale) cheek. If Harry's damaged, bloody face smeared with Draco's tears and sobs caused Draco's body to shake uncontrollably then that was that.

 

Draco would cry. Simply for Harry.

 

(all while staring at those so barely open vacant eyes- no longer their stunning emerald) 

For Harry who was too scared, too caring, too cunning to cry for himself.

 

**And that I wasn't so bitter for leaving me behind, Harry**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Emotions

It was difficult to describe his emotions nowadays.

 

At first it was a mellow sadness, a hollow feeling that ate up what space there was of whatever was left of his heart. Then came the hyperactive emotions followed by a deep sadness. It seemed as if anything could set him off. He'd find himself getting sidetracked, his mood shifting dramatically from one minute to the next.

 

But now it was at a standstill. Months after his initial feelings he couldn't find it in him to care anymore. He no longer could understand the beauty around him. Yes, at times he would stop to stare at the way the light hit the trees in such a way that fragments of light passed through the green leaves, leaving a shadow of varying greys onto the ground. He could acknowledge the beauty but he found himself wanting to imprint such moments into his mind simply because he felt soon he wouldn't be able to.

 

It was unsettling at times so most days he simply pushed his certain feelings at the very back of his mind until he no longer could.

 

Then the final battle happened. So many people fell, more continued even in the aftermath. There was so much pain and suffering. Too may died for him. For Harry fucking Potter. For the damn boy who wanted to die.

 

It was only when he caught himself making plans of what he would do with his possessions that he realized that _maybe_ these feelings weren't normal. Harry felt that at one time, sometime before all these feelings, he would've felt guilty for wanting such things. He would've thought it would be selfish of him to want to end it when there were people who would mourn him.

 

At this point though, he felt his decision would be better for everyone. Sure he was selfish, but he wanted this. Dammit after everything he'd gone through couldn't he just have this?

 

And so during his free time he found himself drafting a letter in his mind. Trying to come up with a way to lessen the blow, yet there was so much he wanted to say. Certain things though were too personal, he didn't want to appear weak. He wasn't weak, it was just so _hard_   and he was tired of everything. So he set off to form a letter, leave an image he was satisfied with and finally _finally rest._

 

He admitted writing the letter was emotional. He still felt guilty despite everything.

 

He didn't know exactly when it happened, but before he knew it he was thinking of how to go about _it._   At the beginning he wanted to go in a painless manner. After some research he found the muggle way was often painful. Hanging seemed like the perfect form, his research finding that if done correctly it was only the matter of distance between him and the ground that would grant him a quick death due to the way the knot would snap his head upwards so quickly it would cause his death. He quickly discarded the idea, too many factors. The rope could snap, he could calculate the distance incorrectly, the support wouldn't hold up with his body's thrashing, or the knot wouldn't hold up.

 

Then it became not about it being painless or not into the success rate.

 

Poisoning?

No, where would he get potent enough substance without rising suspicion especially so soon after the final battle. Would muggle poisoning work he same way? Was a wizards body different in the aspect that they processed poisons?  

 

Blood loss?

He'd imagine that the clotting of blood would prevent anything too severe if he caused it himself. Doing it in a bath would solve the clotting problem. If not it was sure to be a too lengthy of a process. The falling of in and out of consciousness was sure to be a drawback.

 

Drowning?

If he took too long someone could bring him back. There was a chance if they succeeded then his quality of life would decrease. He didn't want to be taken care of for the rest of his life due to a miscalculation.

 

Despite everything could be stomach someone close to him finding his dead body? No, he didn't like it but he was willing to go through it if it meant he could achieve his goal.

For now he'd have to think about getting ready for the Hogwarts Express. Before the school year ends, yes he'll do it before then. This year he knew what would happen around him, it was predictable. After the school year ends he would have been swept up in the commotion of careers and any major life decisions. And to be frank he didn't know what he _wanted_ after graduation. He didn't want to be an Auror, he never wanted to take anothers life again.

 

Auror.

 

That seemed to be the only out there for him whether or not he wanted. What other career could the boy, who grew up being told he would defeat the dark lord, ever want besides that?

 

He didn't have to worry about that though, after all it would soon be over.

 

Everything would soon come to an end.

_Finally._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Dull

Narcissa's eyes were the frigid blue Draco had come accustomed to some time ago. Since the end of the war did she start to look at Draco in a different light. 

 

Indifferent. 

 

Though, Draco couldn't find it in him to care. Perhaps the war numbed that part of him. The part that yearned to make approvable decisions. Now he cared little of what they thought of him. 

 

He would be great, yes, but that was something that would happen despite whether or not he had their support

 

At this point, Draco should really only be speaking of his mother. His father, Lucius was no longer a part of his future. Locked away, kissed as the rest of the death eaters were. Narcissa for her questionable cunningness in determining Potter's false death was a determinant in her own trial. 

 

Something along the lines of 'For the bravery exceeding those before her' if he was correct. 

 

"Mother, I shall see you upon graduation." To take over as the head of the Malfoy line was left unsaid. Even with Narcissa's limited freedom, the ministry restricted interactions with her. To prevent any unsavory side effects of their interactions or so the ministry insisted. 

 

After all, Draco's personal choice of switching sides partway before the war and working as a double spy alongside Severus was viewed as a trait worthy of an esteemed public figure. 

 

Narcissa simply inclined her head. With a pop Draco once more stood alone. 

 

It was fine. He was used to it at this point. 

 

With her presence gone, Draco's senses slowly grew accustomed to the sounds around him. Of the bustling luggages, the patter of leather shoes upon the stone ground, the chattering between 'family'. 

 

He'd be fine. 

 

After all he's survived thus far. 

 

The Hogwarts Express let out a shrill, smoke steadily coming out from above it. Family members immediately scrambled to get any last messages across. 

 

Draco's luggage trailed after him, rising after a single tap from his fingers. 

 

"...don't forget to write!"

 

"I'll miss you, promise you'll..."

 

"You'll love it! Yes, I swear you...."

 

"..I promise.."

 

Mothers pressed one final kiss upon their departing children's foreheads. Some jerked away while others basked in the moment. 

 

And so Draco begun his 8th year. Alone in his cart, sitting next to the window and his hand gently turned his family ring. In all but paper was he officially the family head. 

 

"Harry!" from amongst the moving figures just beyond his window Draco saw a figure with frizzled iconic curly brown hair. 

 

Granger.

 

"Harry!" this time a hush spread around the station like wild fire. Wizards alike held their breath for the chance of seeing the legendary hero. The hero who had died for them. 

 

It wasn't difficult to locate the target as the crowd parted around a single male. Almost as if afraid to get too close. 

 

There did Draco lay his eyes on Potter for the first time since the trials. He had heard the male disappeared at times only to reappear suddenly. After the trials no one heard a sound from him. To where he went in that time from then to now was anyone's guess. 

 

That untamable curls of black nothingness was grown out. The added length reached Potter's shoulders which helped to cause the hair to curl more in an elegant manner. No longer did it stick up at odd angles, but it now lay there wild yes but not a hassle. Potter's skin had lost that healthy golden glow. There should have been enough time to restore that but as it was, it seemed he had paled since the trials. 

 

When Potter half turned in the direction of the voice calling him, Draco was finally able to focus on the one thing that always stayed consist. 

 

Until it didn't. 

 

Those emerald eyes had always held this certain look to it. A difficulty to explain as it was something Draco had come to connect as Potters own. It was different this time. 

 

Still a beautiful shade of green. A green that had been stomped on with heavy shoes, dull. 

 

"-arry" Once again the voice called. For a moment Potter looked in his direction, across the loose circle around him, past the window, and directly at Draco. 

 

For a moment Draco could swear a spark lit those eyes. 

 

And then it was gone with Potter when he abruptly turned away and walked away from view. Away from those prying eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so around my (first?) lapse of depression I went through phases and it wasn't the best of times. After I got through it I wanted to document it somehow. I started to write this fic, getting inspiration from my own personal actions and feelings of during that time. Its a bit hard to sequence the gradual change of emotions since at the time I didn't care to keep track of such things. When I started I couldn't get the events since it was too soon after what had happened and now that I'm better I want to start again. Since everyone experiences their own major depression in slightly different ways, I would like input from those who have experienced this too. I'm not a professional so I can't diagnose myself though I have researched Major depression after I got a bit better 
> 
> More than anything this fic will be getting my main ideas down. If anyone wants to add to this fic with their own fic then go right ahead


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